CAPE DISAPPOINTMENT:

Duckface the Video Game: Final Boss

The lady from Sugarland is the final boss in Duckface The Game.

You can only defeat it by lobbing double vodka cranberries until it runs to the bathroom in tears.

The Twenty Minutes That Launched Fred Armisen

Nerds may know the story of Fred Armisen drumming in the obscure Chicago band Trenchmouth and being married to Sally Timms of The Mekons until he brought a camera with him to SXSW in 1998 and made fun of the music industry.

But they have probably never seen the actual footage.

Who knows what arms manufacturer owns the rights so watch it before it gets pulled.

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No Journey

My band The Poseurs is doing a karaoke show. It’s a benefit for nothing. But you can sing with a real rock band.

However, we have a strict No Journey policy.

It’s Friday at The Pony on Belmont. I made a poster and might get sued by RCA Records. You should come.

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I Somehow Didn’t Write This Headline

I also managed to somehow not write this one:

These are both on the Chicago Tribune homepage today. Great nonfiction writing.

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Tweets to Train

No response. Fucking out of touch rockstars.

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Ben’s Pizzeria, Greenwich Village

I ate at the pizza place from the title sequence of Louie. It made me fat and divorced.

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Interview

INTERVIEWER: “What would be your dream job?”

ME: “Elvis Costello, 1977.”

INTERVIEWER (sighing): “I mean what would be your attainable dream job?”

ME: “Elvis Costello, 1985.”

Pump it up.

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Important Venn Diagram:

Significant overlap between Mad Men and Ass Cancer.

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Red Solo Cup

Of course Toby Keith’s novelty frat single “Red Solo Cup” is bad enough to make Ray Stevens go back to the drawing board. But the music video is an astounding Who’s Who of Shitheads:

Toby Keith (shithead)

Roger Clemens (shithead)

Larry Bird (shithead)

Some fucking magician guy (magician shithead)

Jeff Dunham (unfunny racist puppet shithead)

Sammy Hagar (second string shithead)

Carrot Top (ginger shithead)

Ted Nugent (gun nut shithead)

Eric Church (nü country shithead)

Joe Nichols (nü country dickhead)

Craig Ferguson (says yes to everything, apparently shithead)

Missing: Jeremy Piven, Tucker Max, Paul Wolfowitz

It took four fucking grown men to write this song. FOUR.

A 19 year-old at Arizona State could have written this garbage in a half-hour.

Also, the cup is not decomposable.

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I Might Be In This, Maybe

I talked to Eddie Pepitone after his show at The Hideout and thanked him for coming to Chicago and for his joke about being repeatedly molested in Staten Island and then they asked me to sign a release form.

Yes, I go to comedy shows alone.

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My Cousin Likes Skittles

Little bastard never told me that.

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Uh Oh.

So I only get a handful of channels and one of them is WGN and they were playing this movie called The Love Letter and it’s got Ellen Degeneres and bare-lipped Tom Selleck and it’s bad but there’s this actress in it and now I’m very sex confused.

Its name is Julianne Nicholson.