cape disappointment:

Turkey sucks.

When I am a grizzled old patriarch I will decree that the pilgrims were given burritos and thick crust pizza.  

My spawn will bend to my will.

Where Is My Movie?

University of Chicago paleontologist Paul Sereno has unveiled four new ancient crocodile species:  RatCroc, DuckCroc, PancakeCroc and BoarCroc.

BoarCroc is a twenty foot long amphibious nightmare that could gallop at high speeds and bring down dinosaurs.

I offer up my script services.

SCENE:

Two blonde UN volunteers sneak away from the camp for some afternoon heavy petting. They spread out a blanket on the river bank. A reptilian head appears out in the water. “Don’t worry,” says the guy, intent on unfastening her brassiere. “Crocodiles are slow and lazy.”

Then BoarCroc bounds out of the water and in three strides has the dude’s torso in its jaws.

Spielberg? Ridley Scott? Anyone?

Product Tie-In of the Year.

Mountain Dew’s World of Warcraft Game Fuel:  “DEW with a Punch of Wild Fruit Flavor”.

Solid brand cooperation here guys.  Kudos to you, Brent.  This was your baby and I’m proud of your stick-to-it-iveness in making this happen. My only gripe, and a very mild one at that, would be using the word wild.  To me that could imply activity or danger.

I’m just spitballing here, but I personally like “DEW with an Open-Palm Slap of Indoor Fruit Flavor”.  There.  That fits our demo better.

Cocaine anyone?

Stavenhagen's Food Pawn Shop

Remember when SNL shorts contained acting and coherent thoughts?

From 2000. I really like the PBS feel this thing has. What with the jazz intro and introspection.

“I’m just kinda the waiting room before you hit bottom.”

Still Available NASCAR Names:

Dave Davis

Clint Cuyler

Kyle Kyler

D.J. Deejayerson

Skids McDonnell

Ronny Pemmican

Donny “Duck Blind” Durham

Leonard “The Grand Wizard” Lott

A Song Of The Decade Contender

The Wrens - “Everyone Choose Sides”

from The Meadowlands (2003)

This song is a journey. The arrangement snaps together like a neat section of interstate. Which is fitting, since the song probably took root when The Wrens were out on the road fighting with their record label, their wives and each other, trying to decide whether the band was worth keeping together. Everyone choose sides.

Pretty amazing lyrics if you can make them out.

I’m back, I’m back so sing to raise the blind up.

Perfect. Cultural. Satire.

New Anti-Smoking Ads Warn Teens ‘It’s Gay To Smoke’

John Galt Wears Knee High Tube Socks.

The recent spate of anti-Obama rallies and frothy Glenn Beck tirades have exposed a general problem with fringe political groups: focus. The radical right is experiencing the same eye-rolling that plagued most of the radical left during the Bush regime. Because they can’t fucking pick a thing to be angry about.

Every anti-war rally during the Bush years always had some fucking idiot carrying a Meat Is Murder sign or a global warming sandwich board. And every third mouthbreather at these anti-healthcare rallies has a Go Back To Kenya bumper sticker on his forehead.

This paint-splatter approach to protesting delegitimitizes the complaint. Yelling about intelligent design at a healthcare rally is counterproductive.

There’s another aspect of these rallies I find disappointing on a personal level: They never highlight the handsomely bowtied of the right (Tucker Carlson) or the charmingly accented of the left (James Carville). They highlight the people with scabs.

These are crowds of ugly, angry people. Who is John Galt? Apparently he wears knee high tube socks and has a bit of a back hair problem.

What kind of grass is this supposed grassroots movement culled from? Invasive Nebraskan Ragweed, I’m guessing.

I feel bad for the poor guy who woke up and ran a comb through his hair. He’s a decent dude. He just thinks the public option is a bad idea. He has no march.

Teabaggers, I implore you to focus. Healthcare may fail but it will be because of strong lobbyists and weak Democrats. Not because of the tattooed guy on the Harley with his labrador dressed as Uncle Sam in the sidecar.

30 Rock Season 4, Episode 1: Bookend Redemption.

Not so funny in the middle, but a hilarious start…

and finish.

Bonus audio:

We have peaked and are now beginning the descent.

Intramural Quidditch has come to Northwestern University.

And the organizer’s name is Marc (with a C!) Bourgeois (with a Bourgeois!). The infuriating part is he’s probably never been stuffed into a locker because every magnet school this kid attended had “community cubbies” where students were encouraged to share their belongings.

Did Glenn Beck Rape And Murder A Young Girl In 1990?

This is a very intriguing question that some Americans are definitely asking. Some are even calling for an investigation. Did Glenn Beck rape and murder a young girl in 1990?

I personally don’t believe it myself, but I’m gonna put it out there like it might possibly be true while being really vague but still implying there could be a kernel of truth because I’m a pretend journalist with no degree and people fucking listen to bullshit that I say.

Was it this young girl?

We just don’t know. Maybe we’ll never know. But it really makes you wonder what Glenn Beck is hiding doesn’t it?

In related news, this is pretty funny. (link)

I Won the Nobel Prize.

I have come to understand it now. Barack Obama is an impressive man and will be a great leader. I am confident he will do things during his presidency and his humanitarian work following it that will certainly merit the Peace Prize. But this year, in 2009, the Nobel committee would have selected a gerbil dressed in miniature assless chaps.

Let me explain. George W. Bush was the worst world leader of the past fifty years. He was not evil, like a dictator, he was reckless, inept and indifferent. He was given reins to a powerful country with the strength and ability to do good. And he did the opposite. He made the world less safe. He started wars without regard or intention to, at some point, end them. He authorized torture. He created more terrorists.

Therefore, after eight years of an alienating, John Wayne foreign policy, the European community has severely lowered its standards. If you are a nice guy and not George W. Bush, you qualify. I have won the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize.

Apologies to former French-Colombian hostage Ingrid Betancourt and Chinese dissident Hu Jia. You both must have a little Dubya in you.

———————-

That being said, dammit Scandinavia.

I know you guys have a crush but keep it to yourselves. Obama’s married and he’s trying to work here.

Those blonde assholes already have their universal healthcare and apparently don’t know or care how fickle the U.S. media environment is. Goodbye, substantive healthcare debate. See you again in two weeks.

This will mark the first time conservatives gave a shit about a Noble Peace Prize winner. Fox will take a break from reporting on the annual Gave-Weapons-To-Some-Brown-People-In-The-Desert-Only-To-Bomb-Them-Two-Years-Later Awards.