January 2012
2 posts
A Solution
1. Zooey Deschanel and Ryan Gosling are ritualistically murdered on the steps of the Capitol Building.
2. Their blood is drained into two liter Diet Mountain Dew bottles.
3. The bottles are snugly packed in the trunk of a ‘92 Lincoln.
4. The ‘92 Lincoln is rocket launched into the heart of the sun.
5. The Global Financial Crisis ends.
Goals For 2012
Knock up some lawyer chick, get her to marry me and then get her to divorce me
Get into a bar fight over Sports or somebody being a faggot
Dentist
December 2011
4 posts
My Birthday at a Hooters in St. Louis
No regrets. There is video somewhere.
Hayes Carll - "Another Like You"
This song chronicles a drunken tryst between a slow talkin’ librull and a Randian blonde. How regularly this scenario must play out in bars near K Street.
Upright Citizen’s Brigade regular Brett Gelman appears as the bearded lefty. Watch for the unaffected shrug he gives after reading her tramp stamp.
In the postscript liberal pundit James Carville talks to his conservative pundit...
New Music From Neutral Milk Hotel!
Jeff Mangum just spent two weeks in a recording studio in Athens, GA! Elephant 6 is back!
Listen to the leaked track below!
Will it be another record about World War II and the Holocaust? Sounds like it could be!
Neutral Milk Hotel - Untitled
November 2011
5 posts
Great. What the fuck is joy?
Bad Night
This is a song Louis C.K. wrote for his TV show Louie. He wrote the lyrics and the chord progression and hired some Brooklyn dude to sing it for the Season 1 finale.
And it’s a great, great song. How much talent does one guy need? Jesus.
James Maddock - “Bad Night”
My Death
Aubrey Plaza parks her Prius in the parking lot of a strip mall in suburban New Jersey. She enters a grey storefront with $400 cash and purchases a used Glock 19, fifty rounds of .9mm hollowpoints and a 5-Hour Energy. She drops two Vicodin tabs into the 5-Hour Energy and drains the bottle. Minutes later she’s back on the turnpike headed toward the Holland Tunnel and New York City.
...
Thanks, Obama
Apparently the “New America” has Ginger male models. Disgusting that it has come to this.
We are giving jobs to soulless halfbreeds instead of my cousin Paul who just graduated from State with a 3.0 and only has one DUI.
October 2011
3 posts
Miss You So Much
Donair King on Davie Street in Vancouver. Never forget you. Love you. Miss you.
Proudest Achievement
All you people who said I’d never amount to anything better get worried.
C'mon, let Daddy see them feet.
September 2011
4 posts
My Fetish
In a past life I was a squirrel who got ran over by a cyclist. That must be why this video gives me so much joy.
I’m going to masturbate to this later. And by later I mean again.
My Favorite Song In 1994
I was a pretty cool ten year-old (also racist).
That Rapist Was Funny
Mike Tyson delivered some of the best lines of the night.
But the credit should really go to the Reagan Administration’s treatment of mentally ill black youths in the 1980s.
The Assholes Do Not Own 9/11
The first recorded casualty of 9/11 was a gay, recovering alcoholic Catholic priest. Fr. Mychal Judge was listed as #0001.
This Sunday’s television programming is going to be a grief-off. Can CBS get more crying widows than NBC? The assholes want to own 9/11.
But how can Rudy Giuliani and country music own a story like Father Mychal Judge? They can’t. 9/11 is a story with a...
August 2011
5 posts
I Thought Beyonce Rubbing Her Stomach Was A Fast...
1 tag
Celebrities and Animals
But maybe not so much since he Jew’d his weight down.
Lo0k cLOseLy, mY NinJaZ
That’s “420” shaved into back hair. The Gathering of the Juggalos, 2011.
View photographer Jim Kiernan’s full Juggalo flickr set here.
That's the Power of Guns
If Rick Perry was from any state other than Texas he would just be Huey Lewis.
Charming, harmless Huey Lewis.
1 tag
"ALSO KILLED."
peterfeld:
“THANKS FOR THE DOWNGRADE. YOU SHOULD ALL BE FIRED.” Single mom from St. Louis flies banner over Wall Street, via New York Observer
Turns out this crazy broad from an investment firm in St. Louis actually wanted to fly this over the Capitol in D.C. Turns out you can’t do that. So she flew it around lower Manhattan. She’s apparently not even mad at the S&P. ...
July 2011
8 posts
It was a really good-looking dump.
Above is a status message that appeared on my facebook news feed. Here’s the story behind it:
Andy knew his son had the gift. He had been to the websites before, in the middle of the night. Those sites where Japanese businessmen would bid on the fresh excrement of the young. Thirty bucks, fifty bucks, sometimes even a hundred bucks depending on the color and texture. Andy could...
Weird Dream
This past Fourth of July I embarked on an heroic drinking spree. There was vodka, moonshine and $11 Jewel brand tequila. When the Independence Bender concluded at dawn on Tuesday the 5th I awoke with an odd dream reverberating twixt my temples:
A calico kitten had found its way into my apartment and was mewling softly. I came out of my bedroom and saw that it had been injured. It was limping...
Rhaphanidosis
bestofwikipedia:
Rhaphanidosis
Rhaphanidosis is the act of inserting the root of a plant of the raphanus genus (commonly known as horseradish) into the anus. It is reported to have been a punishment for adultery in ancient Athens of the 5th and 4th centuries BC.
BRING IT BACK! STICK A RADISH UP ANTHONY WIENER’S BUTTHOLE!
Belated Recognition of My Genius
Finally, a retweet from a famous person:
Chicago Tribune Interviews A Hipster, Whoops
Classic mistake. Hipsters don’t play your game, Mr. Suit-and-Tie Journalist. The paradigm has shifted, you old media snoozes. You can’t just ask us questions and expect us to care about the truth. We don’t even know you, Chicago Tribune. We get our news through twitter for iPhone and facebook for iPhone and iPhone by iPhone. We’ve got a really smart friend who went to...
Hey Internet, wanna hear my homeschool's fight...
“Boom, boom, boom now let me hear you say math! (Math!)”
I still watch this video twice per week while...
Pornography is a subjective term.
22 year-old police officer Patrick Pogan was simply doing God’s work. Which is why he was acquitted of all charges and did no community service.
Previous Cape Disappointment story here.
ZZ Dreidel?
Pretty proud of this one.
June 2011
2 posts
Happy Father's Day, Dad.
The assist is just as good as the bucket.
Take That, Banksy.
Kyle Kinane Killing on Konan:
May 2011
4 posts
Whoa, Mike Huckabee got fat again.
Looks like The Chipmunk burrowed his way into the donut cellar again.
HUCKABEE 2012: Let’s dump some salt on the deficit and send it his way.
Happy Mother's Day
Leno Chicken.
I accidentally watched The Tonight Show last night.
I invented a new game called “Leno Chicken”. Try to watch the entire monologue. Whoever makes it the longest without changing the channel or leaving the room is declared the winner. If you laugh at all you are immediately disqualified. Groans are acceptable. In the event of a tie there will be a sudden death period where the...
April 2011
6 posts
Man Who Received 1996 Handjob From Kate Middleton...
Gareth DeBurgh, a 30 year-old banker from London will also be attending the ceremony at Westminster Abbey. He and the Princess-to-be were an item for several weeks during the Spring of 1996.
Ms. Middleton had no comment other than to say she is “pleased that ol’ Gareth can share this historic day with me.”
The ninety second sex act, set to a Spice Girls song, has become a...
Amy Adams Opens Up About Her IBS
Amy Adams, the plucky sweetheart of Hollywood, nibbles on a crabcake in the back patio of Couzo in downtown LA. She wears a loose, plum-colored cardigan and smart khakis - sensible for a woman often portraying America’s easy-to-root-for girl next door. But there is still a lot America has to learn about the auburn-haired star. Namely, her debilitating battle with irritable bowel...
Haven't heard back yet.
1 tag
Sad Hipster Toddler
“Totes bummed that LCD Soundsystem broke up. My roommate had tickets for their last show but she went to rehab instead.”
From the producers of Lava Sidewalk
and the director of Fort Made Out of Couch Cushions:
Pooljumpers.
By the Birthday Boys. So, so well done.
Fuckin' Cubs Fans
Too cold for baseball. Too sober for the Cubs. Too old for this shit.
Opening Day: The Cubs biggest fan from WBEZ on Vimeo.
March 2011
1 post
Sweet dreams, you little shits.
In a decade or so when my life is completely ruined by children I will not enact revenge by signing them up for an instrument or coaching their little league team.
Instead, every night I will project this video onto their ceiling as they sleep.
The older one will probably run away at sixteen and the younger one will become an entomologist.
Snip Your Balls and Watch TV!
This really exists. Vasectomy madness dot com. They didn’t even attempt a pun.
I’m sensing a slight difference in the way our culture views the reproductive rights of men versus women.
Hey ladeez! Let the professionals at Ovar-N-Out remove your ovaries and uterus just in time for The Bachelor finale!
February 2011
1 post
This Train Is Powered By Gnomes.
Interior, Touchstone Promotions Department:
Morris: Listen, this movie asks us to believe in a world where Shakespeare wrote a bunch of plays and shit but at the same time there were a bunch of talking garden gnomes.
Levy: And it’s a 3-D movie for children, right?
Morris: Yes. Well them and a handful of very depressed English teachers.
Levy: And most kids who like 3-D movies have...
1 tag
Celebrities and Animals
+ =
Don’t worry guys, I figured it out.
From the Cat
This is a Valentine’s Day card From the Cat.
Also available:
A card From the Upside Down Mop with a Bow in Its “Hair”.
A card From the Ex-Boyfriend’s Old T-Shirt Stuffed with Newspaper.
A card From the Tumor in Your Leg.
A card From the Cysts in Your Ovaries.
Super Waste of My Time Bowl
“Last nite’s Super Bowl was just a big fat waste of my time! The game wasn’t very exciting in the first half and no one got conkussions or died. So I started paying attention to the commercials and there weren’t enough talking babies. I didn’t laugh one time! That one Coupon commercial with Timothy Huston and all those Chinese people was really offensive because...
January 2011
2 posts
Portland: Where Young People Go To Retire
IFC’s Portlandia, starring Fred Armisen and Carrie Brownstein.
It’s on the short list as one of Cape Disappointment’s Best Things™.
Seriously, fuck Portland.