May 2012
5 posts
Duckface the Video Game: Final Boss
The lady from Sugarland is the final boss in Duckface The Game.
You can only defeat it by lobbing double vodka cranberries until it runs to the bathroom in tears.
The Twenty Minutes That Launched Fred Armisen
Nerds may know the story of Fred Armisen drumming in the obscure Chicago band Trenchmouth and being married to Sally Timms of The Mekons until he brought a camera with him to SXSW in 1998 and made fun of the music industry. But they have probably never seen the actual footage.
Who knows what arms manufacturer owns the rights so watch it before it gets pulled.
No Journey
My band The Poseurs is doing a karaoke show. It’s a benefit for nothing. But you can sing with a real rock band.
However, we have a strict No Journey policy.
It’s Friday at The Pony on Belmont. I made a poster and might get sued by RCA Records. You should come.
I Somehow Didn't Write This Headline
I also managed to somehow not write this one:
These are both on the Chicago Tribune homepage today. Great nonfiction writing.
Tweets to Train
No response. Fucking out of touch rockstars.
April 2012
2 posts
Ben's Pizzeria, Greenwich Village
I ate at the pizza place from the title sequence of Louie. It made me fat and divorced.
Interview
INTERVIEWER: “What would be your dream job?”
ME: “Elvis Costello, 1977.”
INTERVIEWER (sighing): “I mean what would be your attainable dream job?”
ME: “Elvis Costello, 1985.”
Pump it up.
March 2012
3 posts
Important Venn Diagram:
Significant overlap between Mad Men and Ass Cancer.
Red Solo Cup
Of course Toby Keith’s novelty frat single “Red Solo Cup” is bad enough to make Ray Stevens go back to the drawing board. But the music video is an astounding Who’s Who of Shitheads:
Toby Keith (shithead)
Roger Clemens (shithead)
Larry Bird (shithead)
Some fucking magician guy (magician shithead)
Jeff Dunham (unfunny racist puppet shithead)
Sammy Hagar (second string...
I Might Be In This, Maybe
I talked to Eddie Pepitone after his show at The Hideout and thanked him for coming to Chicago and for his joke about being repeatedly molested in Staten Island and then they asked me to sign a release form.
Yes, I go to comedy shows alone.
February 2012
2 posts
My Cousin Likes Skittles
Little bastard never told me that.
Uh Oh.
So I only get a handful of channels and one of them is WGN and they were playing this movie called The Love Letter and it’s got Ellen Degeneres and bare-lipped Tom Selleck and it’s bad but there’s this actress in it and now I’m very sex confused.
Its name is Julianne Nicholson.
Is my type Girls Who Look Like 13 Year-Old Boys That Could Play Oliver Twist?
Uh oh....
January 2012
3 posts
A Decade of My Dad's Favorite TV Shows
2001: Once And Again (ABC, starring Sela Ward)
2002: Temptation Island (FOX)
2003: Temptation Island 2 (FOX)
2004: Last Comic Standing (NBC)
2005: Rock Star: INXS (CBS)
2006: House (FOX, specifically the episodes featuring Sela Ward)
2007: Boston Legal (ABC)
2008: Desperate Housewives (ABC)
2009: Family Guy reruns (FOX, FX, CW, WGN)
2010: CSI:NY (CBS, starring Sela Ward)
...
A Solution
1. Zooey Deschanel and Ryan Gosling are ritualistically murdered on the steps of the Capitol Building.
2. Their blood is drained into two liter Diet Mountain Dew bottles.
3. The bottles are snugly packed in the trunk of a ‘92 Lincoln.
4. The ‘92 Lincoln is rocket launched into the heart of the sun.
5. The Global Financial Crisis ends.
Goals For 2012
- Knock up some business chick, get her to marry me and then get her to divorce me
- Get into a bar fight over Sports or somebody being a faggot
- Dentist
Best Songs of 2011
The songs that made us dance, cry and decide to give law school another shot.
“Lonely at Occupy Wall Street” - The Fuck You, Dads
“No One Goes To Coachella Anymore” - Jessica Albatross
“Smoked Your Pot” - Asian Girlfriend
“Wish I Was Poor” - Alexander Van Antoine-Smythe
“Fuck Me Boots” - Rick Perry’s Gay Best Friend
“We...
December 2011
5 posts
My Birthday at a Hooters in St. Louis
No regrets. There is video somewhere.
Hayes Carll - "Another Like You"
This song chronicles a drunken tryst between a slow talkin’ librull and a Randian blonde. How regularly this scenario must play out in bars near K Street.
Upright Citizen’s Brigade regular Brett Gelman appears as the bearded lefty. Watch for the unaffected shrug he gives after reading her tramp stamp.
In the postscript liberal pundit James Carville talks to his conservative pundit...
New Music From Neutral Milk Hotel!
Jeff Mangum just spent two weeks in a recording studio in Athens, GA! Elephant 6 is back!
Listen to the leaked track below!
Will it be another record about World War II and the Holocaust? Sounds like it could be!
Neutral Milk Hotel - Untitled
November 2011
5 posts
Great. What the fuck is joy?
Bad Night
This is a song Louis C.K. wrote for his TV show Louie. He wrote the lyrics and the chord progression and hired some Brooklyn dude to sing it for the Season 1 finale.
And it’s a great, great song. How much talent does one guy need? Jesus.
James Maddock - “Bad Night”
My Death
Aubrey Plaza parks her Prius in the parking lot of a strip mall in suburban New Jersey. She enters a grey storefront with $400 cash and purchases a used Glock 19, fifty rounds of .9mm hollowpoints and a 5-Hour Energy. She drops two Vicodin tabs into the 5-Hour Energy and drains the bottle. Minutes later she’s back on the turnpike headed toward the Holland Tunnel and New York City.
...
Thanks, Obama
Apparently the “New America” has Ginger male models. Disgusting that it has come to this.
We are giving jobs to soulless halfbreeds instead of my cousin Paul who just graduated from State with a 3.0 and only has one DUI.
October 2011
3 posts
Miss You So Much
Donair King on Davie Street in Vancouver. Never forget you. Love you. Miss you.
Proudest Achievement
All you people who said I’d never amount to anything better get worried.
C'mon, let Daddy see them feet.
September 2011
4 posts
My Fetish
In a past life I was a squirrel who got ran over by a cyclist. That must be why this video gives me so much joy.
I’m going to masturbate to this later. And by later I mean again.
My Favorite Song In 1994
I was a pretty cool ten year-old (also racist).
That Rapist Was Funny
Mike Tyson delivered some of the best lines of the night.
But the credit should really go to the Reagan Administration’s treatment of mentally ill black youths in the 1980s.
The Assholes Do Not Own 9/11
The first recorded casualty of 9/11 was a gay, recovering alcoholic Catholic priest. Fr. Mychal Judge was listed as #0001.
This Sunday’s television programming is going to be a grief-off. Can CBS get more crying widows than NBC? The assholes want to own 9/11.
But how can Rudy Giuliani and country music own a story like Father Mychal Judge? They can’t. 9/11 is a story with a...
August 2011
5 posts
I Thought Beyonce Rubbing Her Stomach Was A Fast...
1 tag
Celebrities and Animals
But maybe not so much since he Jew’d his weight down.
Lo0k cLOseLy, mY NinJaZ
That’s “420” shaved into back hair. The Gathering of the Juggalos, 2011.
View photographer Jim Kiernan’s full Juggalo flickr set here.
That's the Power of Guns
If Rick Perry was from any state other than Texas he would just be Huey Lewis.
Charming, harmless Huey Lewis.
1 tag
"ALSO KILLED."
peterfeld:
“THANKS FOR THE DOWNGRADE. YOU SHOULD ALL BE FIRED.” Single mom from St. Louis flies banner over Wall Street, via New York Observer
Turns out this crazy broad from an investment firm in St. Louis actually wanted to fly this over the Capitol in D.C. Turns out you can’t do that. So she flew it around lower Manhattan. She’s apparently not even mad at the S&P. ...
July 2011
8 posts
It was a really good-looking dump.
Above is a status message that appeared on my facebook news feed. Here’s the story behind it:
Andy knew his son had the gift. He had been to the websites before, in the middle of the night. Those sites where Japanese businessmen would bid on the fresh excrement of the young. Thirty bucks, fifty bucks, sometimes even a hundred bucks depending on the color and texture. Andy could...
Weird Dream
This past Fourth of July I embarked on an heroic drinking spree. There was vodka, moonshine and $11 Jewel brand tequila. When the Independence Bender concluded at dawn on Tuesday the 5th I awoke with an odd dream reverberating twixt my temples:
A calico kitten had found its way into my apartment and was mewling softly. I came out of my bedroom and saw that it had been injured. It was limping...
Rhaphanidosis
bestofwikipedia:
Rhaphanidosis
Rhaphanidosis is the act of inserting the root of a plant of the raphanus genus (commonly known as horseradish) into the anus. It is reported to have been a punishment for adultery in ancient Athens of the 5th and 4th centuries BC.
BRING IT BACK! STICK A RADISH UP ANTHONY WIENER’S BUTTHOLE!
Belated Recognition of My Genius
Finally, a retweet from a famous person:
Chicago Tribune Interviews A Hipster, Whoops
Classic mistake. Hipsters don’t play your game, Mr. Suit-and-Tie Journalist. The paradigm has shifted, you old media snoozes. You can’t just ask us questions and expect us to care about the truth. We don’t even know you, Chicago Tribune. We get our news through twitter for iPhone and facebook for iPhone and iPhone by iPhone. We’ve got a really smart friend who went to...
Hey Internet, wanna hear my homeschool's fight...
“Boom, boom, boom now let me hear you say math! (Math!)”
I still watch this video twice per week while...
Pornography is a subjective term.
22 year-old police officer Patrick Pogan was simply doing God’s work. Which is why he was acquitted of all charges and did no community service.
Previous Cape Disappointment story here.
ZZ Dreidel?
Pretty proud of this one.
June 2011
2 posts
Happy Father's Day, Dad.
The assist is just as good as the bucket.
Take That, Banksy.
Kyle Kinane Killing on Konan:
May 2011
4 posts
Whoa, Mike Huckabee got fat again.
Looks like The Chipmunk burrowed his way into the donut cellar again.
HUCKABEE 2012: Let’s dump some salt on the deficit and send it his way.
Happy Mother's Day